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Dating After Divorce - A Man's Guide to
Seeking Women, Finding Love, and Getting Married Again
by Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You say you are looking for your next long term relationship - this time a really great lifelong partnership - but you are horny and you want to get laid - soon.  STOP!  That attitude is NOT going to lead you to a great long term relationship.  Bank the fires of lust long enough to search consciously for someone with whom you are truly compatible.

Before You Look For A Great Relationship:

  1. Understand what went wrong the last time.  Exactly the same things that went wrong last time WILL go wrong again, unless you analyze the issues and take specific steps to ensure that your next relationship is different.  You will be bringing the same "you" to the relationship - unless you change.  You will be attracted to the same kind of woman - unless you become more conscious in your choosing.  You and your next partner will push each other's emotional "buttons" in the same ways - unless you examine your sensitivities.  For example, if you tend to accumulate clutter, you need to find a woman who can live with your clutter, or you need to become neat - not say that you would do it for the right woman, but change today.  Be TOTALLY honest with yourself about which of your needs were not met the last time, and which of your habits became intolerable to your previous wife.
  2. Be sure you are ready.  "Neediness" is no basis for a relationship.  If you feel that you "need" a woman, or that you "need" to be in relationship, STOP!  You are not ready to begin any relationship.  Do some personal work on yourself first.  It isn't fair to a partner or to yourself to merge your lives before you love and respect yourself.
  3. Double-check your motives.  If you are just looking for sex, don't pretend to yourself that you want relationship.  Be sure that you are looking for a fully-engaged give-and-take partnership with a strong teammate.
  4. Make a Shopping List.  If this sounds a little impersonal, good.  BEFORE you start meeting women, make your list, and have a strong talk with yourself about not compromising on ANY of the crucial items on your list.  Make a list of perhaps 5 "must have's" and 5 "can't stand's."  Make sure that the really critical issues are covered.

Man Seeking Woman:

  1. Look where the women are.  Find a place where the ratio is strongly in your favor - a place with lots of available women who match your criteria for a long term partner.
  2. Try on-line dating.  You get to meet a lot of women quickly, and you learn some objective information before you meet in person.  Consider the old story of the mother who insisted that her daughter only date millionaires.  Her explanation was "If you meet enough millionaires, you will certainly fall in love with one of them."  If you want someone to share your beliefs on religion, child rearing, sex and the other basics where differences greatly stress or fracture relationships, check out these issues before you even meet the woman.  Don't let yourself get infatuated with someone who holds a fundamentally outlook on life.  Prevent the suffering by never even meeting.
  3. Choose an on-line dating service that does the matching.  Be completely honest in filling out your profile.  Remember that your objective is to get a great lifelong match rather than a quick date.  Be patient.  My favorite is eHarmony, but its concept has been copied by other sites.  eHarmony is an amazing place, especially for a 40+ man who is sincere about wanting a long term relationship, as it attracts vast numbers of quality women.  CAUTION, people can lie anywhere, and a few do, so never take anything at face value.

You have met someone, now what?

  1. Slow Down!  No sex until you have checked her out.  Once you get sex, you are hooked.  Keep your options open until you are sure.
  2. Look at the quality of her current life.  If her life is a mess, Run.  You don't need a one-sided relationship with someone who is "helpless" and needs you to "fix" her.  If she "needs" you, RUN.   Look for a woman who is already happy with herself and her life.  While being "needed" may stroke your ego now, just fast forward a few months.  Visualize her clinging to you and being jealous whenever you want a night with the boys.  Moreover, if she is a person who is not satisfied with her life now, know that you are NOT the "magic pill" that will keep her happy over the years.  Look for a happy and self-reliant woman who views you as the magnificent frosting on the cake of her already wonderful life.
  3. Check out her friends and family.  Her friends and family are crucial to the success of your relationship.  If you haven't met them yet, do it now - don't wait another minute.  Her friends and family are her life.  Whatever she says, she won't give them up for you; it's not in her nature.  If she is tied to her mother's apron strings, you want to know that today.  If you dislike her friends now, you will hate them later.  Choose a woman who brings great friends and family to your relationship.
  4. Accept her EXACTLY as she is today and promise never to try to change her.  She is practically perfect except she talks too much, or smokes, or does something else that really bugs you.  Get REAL.  She isn't going to change!  She may promise to change in order to reel you in.  She may really feel committed to changing.  But it isn't going to happen.  Respect her, love her, and accept her EXACTLY as she is today, or break it off, and find someone you respect and accept exactly as they are.

Thank you for reading Online Dating After Divorce.

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